<3

I swear you could flip me over, slow me down like record and listen clsely yet still miss what exactly is going on. it's been months but i still can't grasp who i am. the mirror bugs the hell out of me. the countless hours i spend looking in it trying to pull something, anything that can tell me who i am. i don't know anymore. i havent known for a while. my mind is more polluted than the atmosphere, more crowded than this thing we call earth. who can love me more than me? days like this i feel god is more disappointed than he's ever been. i don't know whats harder; dealing with these constant mood swings, staring down any object that may lead to death or trying to over come it all. call me an extremist but life is hard. the way i have these people constantly on their toes, waiting for me to screw up no longer has me in awe. if only all of this came with an instruction manual. how to keep friends, build relationships, better yourself and become successful. some days my body shakes in fear that just maybe an attempt wont just be an attempt. the results may be unbearable to those i love most. prayer. well needed prayer. only god loves me. i miss the days where i was the sweetest girl. now im just some chick trying to make everything right again. struggling to destroy these wicked habits i have developed. i wonder how many people if any even notice what i really feel. i wish i knew someone who felt exactly the way i felt once upon a time. maybe then i could find some insight to everything. it's pitiful the way i knock myself down just to feel someones touch. that isn't love. my mind can be my worst enemy, the way it takes advantage of my heart everytime the beats slow down and it crumbles up inside my chest. my beautiful mind. if i said i wanted out this place i would be lying. i don't want out. i just want a steady feeling of happiness, understanding and love for myself. unfortunately the things i long for seem nearly impossible. so what happens now?